The Expendables is a true guy’s movie.
If you read that statement and thought, “Great! This one’s for me,” then you’re probably an arsehole because “guy’s movie” is shorthand for “some dumb shit written for overgrown boys who struggle with actual feelings.” The problem isn’t that this movie is essentially a series of contrivances designed to get you from one action sequence to the next – action sequences, even ponderous, badly shot ones are usually entertaining. The issue with The Expendables is what happens between the fights, because it’s a mixture of weird sentimentality and even weirder tough-guy talk.
The tough-guy talk is generally sexual, and it includes a bizarre number of “jokes” about guys sucking dicks. At one point, after Sylvester Stallone (Barney Ross) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (character name not important) have traded insults, Bruce Willis (name not important) asks them if they’re going to suck each other’s cocks. Honestly, where does that comment even come from? Who goes there in their mind apart from people who think aggressive homophobia equals cool?
So anyway, the premise of this movie is that Stallone is leading a team of aging mercenaries on missions around the world…and that’s it. The main characters have story arcs, but some of them are way more arced than others.
Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV (Gunner) has gone crazy and tries to kill Jet Li (name not important), who’s in Stallone’s team. Stallone lets Dolph go free because…friendship – just not friendship with Jet Li. Anyway, Dolph then tries to kill Stallone and then Jet Li again, so Stallone shoots him, but Dolph recovers, and they all end up as friends. So that’s nice.
Jet Li, one of the greatest martial arts actors of all time is essentially a comedy sidekick – the joke being that he’s short.
Terry Crews has a big gun. He shoots it.
Jason Statham (Christmas – yes, his character is called Christmas) gets home from one mission to find his girlfriend with another man. He’s upset, but he gets the chance to prove his worth when the new man hits the old girlfriend. Statham beats him up and then, in what’s supposed to be a powerful moment, delivers the stupidest line of the film:
I’m not perfect, but you should have waited. I was worth it.
He does this while trying to look hurt. He can’t pull it off – he’s Jason Statham.
Mickey Rourke (name not important) is like the emotional heart of the team. He cries while remembering a woman he briefly saw in a warzone, and you might start to feel that he’s sensitive guy who’s not a complete twat like the rest of the group, except you’d be wrong. He’s a cliché who quite proudly can’t remember his girlfriend’s name and apparently only has feelings for women who aren’t actually there.
From one horrendously distorted face to another – Stallone, who’s looking more and more like his mother with each passing year. His mother? What, Jackie? Yeah, Jackie.
Stallone’s story is supposed to be the most dramatic. He meets a woman on a mission and falls for her despite the fact that he’s a good 40 years older. He goes back to save her, taking his whole team with him, and they set about trying to kill everyone. They shoot everything that moves and blow up everything that doesn’t. Any of these things could kill the woman and make their mission pointless, but forget that. These are guy’s guys. They just act and figure out the rest on the way.
This movie is dreadful. Everything about it is too long, the opening credits, the jokey banter, the final action sequence, and the careers of almost everyone involved. ☆
hooked on shit movies 