A Jason Statham movie about a massive shark? Of course I’ll be watching. The Meg has shit written all over it, and it does not disappoint. The movie stretches Statham to the limits of his acting ability, and that means we’re going to see all five of his looks: angry, charming, smiling, thinking, and troubled. “Troubled” is a staple in the Statham acting arsenal, though it’s probably most used in Crank and Crank: High Voltage.
The action starts with Jonas Taylor (Statham) attempting a rescue at the bottom of the ocean. The only problem is that the stricken submarine he’s on is being attacked by a huge monster. In order to get people out safely, Statham is forced to leave his two best friends to die. It’s a tough call to make, and it’s one that would surely lead many men to drink and despair. They could possibly have this meltdown on the coast of Thailand, where they might strike up unlikely friendships with the locals and engage in witty banter about alcoholism. “Random,” you’re thinking, and you’d be right. “But maybe there’s a reason they’ve chosen that specific location,” you think, “and all will be revealed later.” No, no it won’t.
All of this is prelude, though, and serves only to let us know that Jonas is now a troubled man who might get a moment of Maverick-from-Top Gun self-doubt about doing the thing he was born to do. Understand that this plot point will in no way be developed; it’ll just be dropped into the movie twice to let us know that although Jonas is better than the rest of us, he still gets scared…for a second.
So, the story – it takes place in and around the brand-new, state-of-the-art Mana One research center off the coast of China, and in case anyone’s confused about that location, there’s bamboo flute music playing in the background. In shit movies, it’s essential to always introduce anything Chinese with bamboo flute music because some people need that extra bit of warning before being exposed to other cultures.
On Mana One, they’re looking for the bottom of the ocean because what we thought was the bottom of the ocean might not actually be the bottom of the ocean and instead, might just be a layer of really cold gas, water, liquid…stuff. (It’s something we’ve all suspected.) To prove the theory, they’ve got to send people down there – they can’t use an un-crewed vehicle because…yeah, doesn’t matter. Anyway, they get attacked by a megalodon (massive shark to you and me) and need rescuing, and there’s only one man for that job: Jonas Taylor.
Despite living for months as an alcoholic in Thailand, Jonas is still in incredible shape, and he goes to Mana One to save the day. Well, almost. Someone dies on the rescue mission, but…whatever, he wasn’t a big actor and was therefore of zero importance. What is important is that the rescue mission disturbed the cold water that had been keeping the meg trapped at the bottom of the ocean – big sharks hate the cold – and it’s now free to roam the open ocean.
What’s equally important is that Mana One crewmember Suyin (Bingbing Li) sees Jonas right after he’s come out of the shower and is wearing only a towel. It’s impossible to describe the raw sexuality of Statham in a towel, but it’s a sight that makes Suyin lose her mind and forget that just a few minutes earlier, she was calling him a reckless coward who left her friend to get eaten by a megalodon.
What follows is a series of stupid attempts to kill the shark, all mixed with scenes of Jonas and Suyin engaging in restrained, almost Jane Austen-like flirting. It’s odd. They flirt in front of Suyin’s daughter. They flirt about not dying even though their friends have literally just died. They flirt after Jonas has nearly died after being towed through the water by a boat at high speed. And they flirt right after Suyin’s father dies. Like I say, it’s odd.
Eventually, Jonas goes mano a sharko with the 20-meter-long meg and kills it – there is nothing in nature that can withstand an attack from Statham. He then gets on a boat, sips cocoa, and casually arranges a family holiday with Suyin and his new daughter, but not his new father-in-law because he died about half an hour earlier and everyone’s forgotten about him.
This is a weird movie. Apart from the flirting, there are also plot holes, like what did the giant shark eat when it was trapped in a tiny part of the deep ocean? If the giant shark was trapped, how did Jonas know it existed? And why do Chinese people speak to one another in English even when there’s no one else around?
Fade to bamboo flute music. ☆☆
hooked on shit movies 