Hawk the Slayer is widely regarded as being one of the worst movies ever made. First, it’s a sword and sorcery film, which, back in the early 80s, was a sure sign of mediocrity. You might now associate this genre with Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, but back then, it was Conan – both Barbarian and Destroyer, Beastmaster, Krull, and Red Sonja – all shit. Hawk the Slayer was the first of these films and is therefore responsible for ushering in this age of comic-book villains, rag tag bands of unlikely heroes, killer dialog and at-best-semi-witty banter, magic, and questionable special effects.
Another factor weighing heavily on this movie is the fact that it’s British. Now, before you protest that Britain has some fine actors, you’re right, we do, but you need to keep a couple of things in mind: 1, none of them were anywhere near this movie, and 2, these great actors are known for their roles in American films. To be a British movie in 1980 meant having a cast of noticeably uglier actors and a shoestring budget, and my goodness is that lack of money obvious.
The running time of 1 hour 30 minutes is heavily padded with scenes of Hawk (John Terry) riding his horse through a tiny stream in a forest and Hawk appearing through a fog of dry ice – and you have to assume there was a sale on dry ice during the few days it took to shoot this crap, because they use a fuckton of the stuff. There are also lots of lingering close ups of Hawk’s face – to show he’s thinking – and Hawk’s eyes – when he’s getting ready to fight.
Nowhere are the budget constraints more obvious, though, than with the special effects. This is a sword and sorcery movie, and the “sorcery” is generally conveyed by having stuff glow in a variety of neon colors. There are magic glowing neon pebbles, magic glowing revolving neon hula hoops, hundreds of magic glowing neon ping pong balls, and magic glowing neon silly string that kills a man. That’s right; killed with silly string.
Hawk the Slayer is a tale of vengeance, love triangles, kidnapped nuns, and thigh-slapping hijinks, all backed by a soundtrack of what can only be described as medieval disco music. The villain of the piece is Voltan, who proves his evil chops by threatening nuns and viciously rending a loaf of bread in twain – yeah, there’s a lot of ye olde English in this film. Voltan is played by Jack Palance, one-armed-press ups-at-the-Oscars Jack Palance, and no one says villain like Jack Palance says villain.
The unlikely band of heroes out to stop him is led by Hawk and his mind sword – to explain, Hawk can mind control his sword, but not to do anything useful like attacking people like that blue fella with a magic arrow from Guardians of the Galaxy. No, he can just make it slowly move to his hand. Anyway, he’s joined by Crow, a robot-voiced elf who’s handy with a bow and arrow and Gort, who’s described as a giant, but he’s clearly not. What he is is obese and slightly above average height – this movie will not miss an opportunity to disappoint. Baldin, a dwarf with a whip, an unnamed blind but also all-seeing witch, and a one-armed man with a semi-automatic crossbow round out the crew.
Along the way, we’re treated to some masterful dialogue, like: “I am no messenger, but I will give you a message. The message…of DEATH!.” Hmm, he means business. Every fight scene is a frenzy of editing in which each shot of someone firing an arrow, cracking a whip, or swinging a sword is played multiple times at high speed. And finally, there’s also levity when Gort the non-giant weirdly flirts with nuns and then engages in light-hearted food-based banter with Baldin – the joke is that they both like food…
Let that sink in, and then remind yourself that this “joke” is still funnier than most episodes of The Big Bang Theory.
Hawk the Slayer is an obscure, British-made sword and sorcery movie. Frankly, it never stood a chance of being good. However, the fact that it’s still talked about 40 years after its release means that it is iconic. ☆☆☆
hooked on shit movies 